IF I AM SLOW this week in updating your DOGSTORM comments, that is because today I am flying to the TED conference/secret world government meeting.

IF YOU DO NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS, the TED conference is where the world’s most brilliant futurists, thinkers, entrepreneurs, policy-makers, and minor television personalities escape to a secret location at the Long Beach Performing Arts Center and talk to one another about what we are going to do about all of YOU PEOPLE.

NO. THAT IS NOT TRUE. We merely just solve all the world’s problems.

AND ALSO listen to some amazingly smart people talk about interesting things and robots.

HERE IS A PICTURE OF WHAT IT IS LIKE.

I WILL BE OUT OF FULL SIZE KEYBOARD RANGE most of the time, and so most of my Internet talking, if any exists, will be on Twitter.

ALERT TO BEST SHOW LISTENERS: if there are any FRIENDS OF TOM among the TED attendees, please let me know. I am looking to finally arrange the TOM conference I have so long discussed.

UNTIL THEN, I hope the rest of the world does not fall apart while we are away.

THAT IS ALL

(IMAGE COURTESY: The Magick Center, “The Premiere Pagan Social Network”)

POST SCRIPT: To clarify, I am not SPEAKING at TED. That already HAPPENED. This year I am just attending and deciding the fate of the world.

EARLIER, I ASKED the twitter HIVE MIND for help.

PRESUME THAT EVERY DOG IN AMERICA suddenly joined up to form a single, massive, ravenous pack.

(AND IT IS REASONABLE to presume this, as IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN)

WHAT WOULD THE AREA OF THE DOGSTORM BE IN SQUARE MILES?

The HIVE MIND did not let me down. It very quickly provided me with MANY MANY DOZENS OF VERY CONVINCING AND COMPLETELY CONFLICTING ANSWERS.

FINALLY, I concluded that Twitter Unit Tim Lesher provided what amounts to the consensus opinion:

Humane society says ~78M pet dogs in US. Say ~10% for strays and 6 sqft/dog. 514Msqft, or about 18.5 sq mi. A circle 4.8mi across.

DO YOU DISAGREE? You may say so in the comments.

That is all

ALSO, PLEASE BE PATIENT: I have to approve your comments manually.

ALSO, POST SCRIPT: There is not CATSTORM. Only CAT HERD.

I AM SOME DAYS LATE to this internet party,

BUT IF YOU DO NOT KNOW all of the wonderful songs by Molly Lewis, then you should start by knowing at least this one, and then move on from there:

ALSO, YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT ON TUESDAY LAST, Molly actually got to sing this song TO Stephen Fry, in person, at Harvard, ACCOMPANIED BY SIGN LANGUAGE TRANSLATION*:

That is all

POST SCRIPT: I am, in a strange way, moved by the smarts, sincerity, humor, and incredible knowledge of DNA that went into this comment from SuginChou on Molly’s YouTube page.

That is all

*(!)

HERE IS SOME EVIDENCE FROM A CASE that I will be judging this afternoon.

IF YOU THINK you know what’s going on here,

PLEASE SAY SO in the comments.

I WILL BE grateful.

IF YOU HAVE ZERO IDEA as to what is going on here, the latest edition of JUDGE JOHN HODGMAN is always to be found here.

UPDATED: HERE IS some more mysterious evidence, from a case I will also will be hearing today.

ALSO, there is this–

That is all.

NOW AT LAST IT CAN BE TOLD, the dispute over the scorpion bowl from last week’s MYSTERIOUS EVIDENCE installment was NOT about how many scorpions were actually in the bowl,

BUT INSTEAD, it was a dispute between scorpion bowl loving friends, one of whom likes to STEAL FOOD.

JUDGMENT IS SERVED in this NEW episode of Judge John Hodgman, which may be downloaded, subscribed to, streamed, and discussed HERE.

AND NOW, please again may I ask you to join me and Ira Glass and Michael Ian Black at tonight’s CHARITY POKER GAME?

IT WILL BE FUN.

That is all.