JUDGMENT IS RENDERED, and it is not very swift, but it is certainly: LONG NECKED.

YOU MAY SUBSCRIBE or download JUDGE JOHN HODGMAN HERE.

That is all.

I WENT A LITTLE KOO KOO on Matt Bai this morning on Twitter.

I ACTUALLY FEEL HE HAS A POINT: the TSA scan and grope policy does seem to highlight a general, cross-party lack of faith that our government is competent, rational, and respectful of its citizenry’s opinions and/or junk. However, I do not think either Bai’s nor my feelings count as news, but opinion.*

AND SO, SPEAKING ONLY FOR MY OWN OPINION, as a fake expert and unlicensed judge, I feel compelled to offer you once more my UNWANTED SINCERITY and share these…

THREE PIECES OF UNASKED FOR ADVICE for absolutely ONE SPECIFIC PERSON in particular.

1) If your first principle is that you are always willing to compromise, it will appear that you have no principles.

2) Do not waste breath defending the indefensible, unless your desire is to appear craven. Acknowledge there is a specific problem with and vow to root it out.**

3) If you wish to convey a message of calm, pragmatic competence, you may start by being a competent messenger.

That is all.

*And I do not know that the evidence bears out Bai’s conclusion that the blame is squarely put on one party or the other, largely because he provides no evidence at all.

**To clarify my own position, I do not care about body scanners so much. I have gone through them, and will again. But I feel there ought to be a reasonable, non-groping alternative to those who are concerned about radiation and nakedness. A simple, non-junk pat down would be fine by me. Otherwise, a junk-grope becomes not only invasive, but punitive.

THE NEW JUDGE JOHN HODGMAN is extra judgmental this week, and also: POSTED.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Does an aside count as “breaking the fourth wall?” YES, THAT’S RIGHT: I AM SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO YOU, THE AUDIENCE.

MEANWHILE, we have found our DISPUTANT for tomorrow night’s VARIETY SHOW. But I still urge you to come and see the show, as many people will be there whom you like, such as DAVE HILL and BIRBIGS.

FINALLY, I cannot believe that BOING BOING found this marvelous post re: A HISTORICAL GUIDE TO YOUR JUNK ON AIRPLANES from my old friend and former client BLAKE ESKIN, before I did.

BLAKE IS WONDERFUL, and I am terrible.

ALL OF THIS IS KNOWN.

That is all.

DO YOU LIVE IN the Gowanus, Brooklyn, a neighborhood of the NYC Area?

WILL YOU be attending next Wednesday evening’s TALENT SHOW at Littlefield?

DO YOU HAVE AN ONGOING DISPUTE with a spouse or friend? Maybe even one that has to do with Thanksgiving?

FOR EXAMPLE: “I hate cranberry sauce, but my spousey friend thinks that it is the CANNED SNOT OF THE GODS. Also, it would seem that my spousey friend is a polytheist, so there is another disagreement between us. Can you help us Judge John Hodgman?”

THE ANSWER IS NO, I cannot promise to help you. But I can tell you WHO IS RIGHT and WHO IS WRONG, and I can do the same for you, too DEAR READER, but only if you write me with your Gowanus-based disputes, or can be in Gowanus next Wednesday night at 8PM.

WRITE ME HERE: hodgman (@) maxmimumfun.org

That is all.

HELLO

I AM ABOUT TO RECORD my judgment of a dispute regarding the following giraffe.

THIS IS VERY EXCITING TO ME.

WE ARE ALSO STILL VERY INTERESTED in finding two parties in dispute who wish to air their grievances to me in person at next week’s TALENT SHOW in Brooklyn.

WHATEVER YOUR THANKSGIVING PLANS ARE, won’t you enjoy the holiday more once you are certain of how I feel about you and your petty squabbles?

That is all.